By Woody Stanfield
My life has been a lot of talking about supporting women’s issues. I have not consciously thought of women as less intelligent or less capable than men. I have been pro-choice since I was able to understand the concept. For my entire adult life I have considered myself a supporter of women’s rights. I always thought it was really simple: women and men are equal, and don’t rape people.
I went off to college and my view of myself exacerbated from there. I left the conservative parts of central Illinois and eastern Missouri to go to the liberal bastion Chicago. Everybody here is a Democrat, and they all support women’s rights. Right? Nope. Guys, we’re really bad at supporting women’s issues. And I’m not talking about supporting them financially or going to marches or signing petitions to protect Planned Parenthood. We are actually doing all right at that. I am talking about the ways that we think about, talk about, and talk to women in our day-to-day lives.
I want you to think about the last time one of your buddies was accused of being sexist. Try to remember the first thought you went to. For most of us, the natural reaction is to doubt or challenge the accusation. And to an extent it makes sense. We have successfully vilified sexism so much that the accusation of it is viewed as massive condemnation of the person’s character. We correctly associate everyday sexism with blatant sexism and its most violent manifestations: sexual assault and rape. And we think ourselves progressive because we don’t tell women they should not go to college, and we aren’t the rapists or the abusers. But sexism isn’t just horrible because of the worst acts of violent, or the most direct forms of oppression. It is horrible because of how widespread and pervasive it is and that has not changed. Our generation was still raised with a number of assumptions and we are still wired with predispositions.
And that same mentality affects how we talk to women and how we talk about women. It’s ingrained into our interactions and it affects every conversation, even if just slightly. When I was talking to my friend Lara Haddadin about this, I said “Every woman has to deal with every man treating her as inferior in some way to some extent.” She echoed that with “I’ve been treated like that by men my entire life. Every single man I know.”
And we kept talking about gender dynamics in education and in the workplace. And I realized one of the most pervasive things that we do is that we treat respecting women’s spaces and voices as an ideological decision. We think of supporting women’s issues as a passive action. We think that being pro-choice, advocating prosecuting rapists, and supporting pay equity make us rock solid on women’s issues. And yeah, it’s leaps and bounds better than not supporting those things, but it’s not the entire picture.
Men, respecting women's spaces and voices isn't an ideological decision we make. It doesn't happen in a classroom or by saying "I respect everyone's opinions." It's a conscious effort day after day. It's recognizing that you're talking over your female coworkers more often than your male coworkers. It's seeing that you're repositioning many gendered issues as class based because you're afraid to recognize your superior social status. And it’s about taking women seriously when they make these charges of sexism. In that same conversation, Lara said, “I can't remember the last time a man actually took what I said seriously when it came to sexism and believed me right away.” Guys, I understand that we view it as a pretty serious charge, but that’s why the response should be a serious examination of whoever the charge is against, not an examination of the claim or the person making it. Because across society, we’re approaching it backwards, and that approach and the mentality behind is why things like Steubenville happen.
So I have been working really hard in the past months to figure out my predispositions and fight against them. And it is hard. It’s difficult to acknowledge the times that I have been wrong and the times I have wronged people. It’s tough to swallow that I have been a part of the very culture that I thought I was fighting against. But that’s why it’s important. If you care about women’s issues, if you want to support women, you have to do this self-reflection. You have to really challenge yourself and think about it. You need to talk to the women in your lives and genuinely ask them what they think about you when it comes to women’s issues. And when they tell you, you have to listen, and you have to work to fix it. Any less and you’re on the sidelines, right where the Donald Trumps want you.